The Fear / Lilianne Ruíz


I would so much like to give us the freedom to speak without fear. To converse without fear of the State. Without fear of the political power. My friend Martha was worried for me. Not so much for having a blog from Cuba because she didn’t know what that was, but knowing that I don’t have a job. We were walking down the hill of Kholy Avenue, the magnificent houses where parked cars were waiting outside with olive-green plates.

Every so often Martha ordered me to shut up, when I was trying to explain to her that we must continue to believe in rights, freedom, truth. To reassure her with some possible version of my life so that she wouldn’t try to give me something from her almost empty wallet, with her 70 and a bit years, worried about how I’m going to get a job; without understanding that I’m not going to go back to looking for work from the totalitarian State.

As she is an intelligent woman I expressed my thoughts to her without upsetting the peace required by her conscience as a grandmother, so that she would understand the attitude of “what can you do to change that?” is not valid for me.

It makes me want to cry because in Cuba I don’t know if we’re all paranoid that we think there are microphones everywhere recording the moments when we dare to be true to ourselves, or if we are wrong when we don’t take into account all the evil that could be lurking. I have finished this matter calming myself, giving it all to God.

Meanwhile, the reality is two women simply walking, talking of their mutual concerns, not having any apparently great secrets. Or just one secret, the same one every Cuban has: the powerful desire of our soul to free itself from fear and oppression. If we didn’t continue to keep “the secret,” the human beast made up of millions of souls who live and act contrary to their own selves, would crumble.

I want to shed all these terrors from above. I know that every time I am going to involve myself more in the pursuit of our freedom, because to the extent that I seek God by faith I am shedding the fear.

May 4 2012